More is Not Less
“More is not less, it’s rather all.”
Whether one believes everything happens in life for a reason, sometimes when life happens. When life happens, it feels as if one was on a fast moving train that came to a pit stop, within a brief few minutes, one makes the choice to stay in the train or get off of the train to hop on a different one. Last month, I did just the latter, twice!
School: I dropped one of my committee members who have been more of an obstacle to my completing my thesis project and moving on to writing my dissertation. I felt extremely demotivated to continue doing development on my project. According to two out of my four committee advisors, I have done more than enough to get my PhD. I could no longer bear with working with the erratic nature of my primary advisor either. Instead, I told my advisors that either they let me finish my dissertation and defend, stop all development, or I leave with only a Master’s degree. Surprisingly, the support that I received on that outcry was overwhelming. Perhaps I am finally ready, not technically, but emotionally to become a PhD of my own standing, making my own calls and decisions. Regardless, now I finally can just write and finish the project and move on.
Love: I came back to Seattle to be with Pierre. Perhaps it had been a mistake to move in with him, perhaps I made the wrong decision to give this relationship a try. Our relationship “improved” as I slowly disappeared from it. I don’t blame it on anyone like I said before. It just didn’t work out for us. Whether it was an irony that life threw another rock in my path, the appearance of Peter gave me hope and convinced me that loving intimate relationship is real. Everything feels easy and positive. I feel happiness and blessed, to be more precise, 辛福. I feel braver letting go of my fear for closeness. I know that’s key to truly enjoying all aspects of a good relationship.
While dusts were settling in all front, I can refocus and apply myself to working, Mom had to throw a wrench into my mirror flat pond. To her, I’m never perfect, in fact a disappointment and disgrace. She always needs to tell me what to do. She has taught me to be independent but never realize that she can’t allow me to be independent by making my own decisions. While she believes that women should be financially independent but she also believes that I should marry to a man that I can depend on (which is very different than an accountable person). The irony is she has set an example by being a very financially independent woman starting her own business and never had to rely on anyone! After trying to reason with her, I realize that it’s a lost cause. She’d never see my point even if I could see her point. I am gonna say F%@# it and move on. I don’t need any more mama drama in my life. It’s OK to just walk away.
In fact, not just mom, for anyone that wants to control me for whatever reasons, I need to just say no and walk away. It might mean breaking of relationships, friendships and what not. But I must say no to the ones who can’t allow a healthy boundary, which is a requirement for space to fill with respect and love. I am ever thankful of all the great friends and coworkers that I feel close to. They never abandoned me, judged me even when I am at a low point of life. Those are true friends, my chosen family.