So this is it, I’ve moved on to a new chapter of my dating life with mixed feelings of shame and triumph. I had loved but love wasn’t enough. We weren’t right for each other. We loved so many of the same things but I couldn’t feel his love for me. Was it because he was shy? I don’t think so. The relationship wasn’t always like this. There was balance and I was happy. At some point, I received less love from him. So I gave and gave so much of myself, but in the end, I received even less in return. When I felt compromised, I made demands, but I felt the resistance in the relationship to satisfy my needs. I yearn for care, a voice of understanding, admiration, and love. But I didn’t want to ask for it for fear that my own needs would break us apart. So I changed to fit into his life, to support his endeavors and dreams, at the expense of hollowing myself out from the inside. I resented and blamed, but in the end, I was at the helm of my own life and I had allowed all of this to happen.
I need to learn to say no. I need to learn to show my true self and be alright to let the relationship work itself out, whether it be a break or a union. That’s the risk, with huge uncertainty, one takes to find her soul mate. ha … And who would I to find if I have lost my own soul?!
I will miss this gentle giant, but it’s time to move on. I stumbled and regained my own balance. I am happy and feeling hopeful and full again. I am practicing saying no to things I don’t want, saying no without fear of losing the other person affections, saying no so I could stay authentic. I wish for a balanced and stimulating relationship with mutual respect, care, admiration, and love, one in which adventures and stability are not exclusive of each other, and one in which creativity is boundless.